Just Your Best

Anxiety does funny things, although when you’re in those torturous moments filled with fear, it doesn’t feel so “funny”. But it really does manifest in a lot of ways, it’s not just butterflies in your belly or a few shaky tears. Lately when I travel, I am fighting panic attacks, hot and cold flashes, vomiting frequently, not eating or sleeping, and more physical symptoms that take over. Before I know it, I’m stuck in a downward spiral that never ends until the trip does.

Let me be clear who we are talking about: I’m the girl who bought her first plane ticket (to London, no less!) when she was only 13, the one who toured her way alone through the Paris underground system at 4am to get to Disney Land at rope drop, the one who rented (and crashed) a Vespa on the streets of Barcelona and laughed it off (my bank account didn’t, in fact, laugh)… I can’t count the number of solo flights I’ve taken to new and foreign cities in my twenties, and my mom back home was the only one worrying. Now when I travel, I’m up early sick to my stomach at the thought of flying somewhere new, no matter how exciting the opportunity may be.

I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but never traveling. The adventure always excited me, and the thought of my next flight has me jumping for joy mentally, yet I will wake up nervous the night before and vomit out my nerves the whole trip. It’s a unique pain I’ve never felt, and the easiest way around it is to just stay home.

There’s more than anxiety going on here, I’ve been fighting some larger health issues through all this including a new diagnosis of non-diabetic hypoglycemia, and so the idea of leaving home has become daunting. My biggest fear is having to be hospitalized or something really bad happening to me, while not having my family of a support system nearby to help me through it.

Most recently I had what was supposed to be the most exciting trip ever: my honeymoon! Last October, my husband and I took our trip to Hawaii, but the week before we left, I was in the emergency room because again, my body was out of control, and it got to the point where I was dangerously dehydrated and running off zero sleep and no food. That trip to the hospital was about the most terrified I’ve ever been, but it was a blessing in disguise. While I did come home later that day looking up all my cancellation options for the trip, I learned two important lessons I really needed.

First, the doctor had confirmed she saw patients like this often and gave me new avenues to go down with my primary and specialists to find out what was wrong with my health and why my white blood cell count is still high. I’ve been seeing a lot of doctors, some who straight gave up on me, others that didn’t give the best advice or wasted time trying to treat the symptoms instead of finding the problem. But the most important part of this trip to the hospital (and please let it be the last!) was that there are other people out there like me.

From there, I was introduced to some new medications that actually started to work, and I went back to my primary immediately for a follow-up before we had to catch our flight, who assured me this medication would be a safe and smart choice to get me through the trip and encouraged me to still go. I wanted to cancel everything though because I was so scared of what could happen to me while I was gone.

So I planned for the best and the worst. If my mind is going to fear getting more sick, I now knew I could make it to the hospital and get the right kind of help if it gets bad; I am not a lost cause. Having that positive experience changed a lot for me mentally, so I used that to guide my next steps. I looked back at my list of fun things I wanted to do on this trip, and (just in case) I added some addresses and directions to local urgent cares and hospitals too. I rented a car this time, so I would always be able to leave a place if I started to not feel well, or drive to the hospital if needed. Having that freedom I think gave me some more comfort too. (The incredibly supportive and compassionate husband was a big perk too, and before we even made it there, he was willing to throw all our money away and cancel if I needed to, but I’m proud to say I made it.)

We took this trip slower than I really wanted to; “Past Danielle” would have been running all over, up at the crack of dawn every day to get the maximum amount of time adventuring around this new place. My bucket-list of must-do’s would have been longer than the flight was, and I would have made sure to check off every part of activity and sight no matter how long my stay. Although I may not have done every single thing I had wanted to when I first dreamed up this trip, I can say we did relax more on this trip than any other I had before, and sometimes that is really all you need in a vacation.

We spent almost every day at the beach, and if we weren’t at the beach, we were at the pool or floating in the lazy river. I took the pressure off of myself to have a perfect trip and listened to my body, but I also challenged it. The anxiety of things going wrong told me to “give up and go home,” but I learned to tune that voice out and focus on the important things. If I felt good, I got more adventurous. If I didn’t feel good, it was time to take a break and maybe a nap.

For years I felt like I would never be able to enjoy a trip again, it has truly been a long journey to get to this point. Since going on the honeymoon, I’ve since been on another trip to the Florida Keys with friends (and my best friend, my mama). That trip was even easier than Hawaii. Maybe having my emotional-support-mom with me was the trick, but really I think it was the fact that I told myself over and over, you can do it.

From one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, (although it’s always been a very popular phrase in general) you have to fake it till you make it and I did! The “faking out” part was really my way of gaslighting myself into believing I’m fully healed and should enjoy travel again. However, I really wasn’t wrong. My health has significantly improved since the new doctors and medications that work, and I’ve also learned how to listen to my body (and how to ignore anxiety, because no one needs anxiety running the show).