I observe a lot; I am not one to participate, to plan, to go out, to start conversations,…What I am trying to say is I have no friends!
ok ok, i have some, but let me explain..
When I grew up in France, we moved every year. I don’t even remember half of the school names I attended but I remember what a hard time I had making friends.
I was always afraid for the first day of school, always new teachers, new faces, but I integrated fast into my quiet corner, I got used to it. At one point I would walk into the big doors of the new schools swallowing my fear as soon as I entered, it became a habit.
I would look around at my classmates; I’d guess who the class clown is, who to not interact with, who the nerd was, the teacher’s pet, what or how they would speak to one another…
I became very aware of everything around me, there were other girls but I was never the first one to go to them, because when I tried in younger grades, I would get rejected, one stole the Aladdin figurine I brought to school, I would get laughed at (apparently I looked as white as a ghost!), a teacher made fun of me in front of my classmates, got called names and almost got strangled by 2 of my classmates….I got away….not the point…lots of stories I have . . . . . but anyway, I survived!
My report card from school would always say:
“does not participate enough”
“doesn’t speak” (french people are pretty raw)…
I would think: If only they knew me
…and I am very sensitive, so it made me feel bad, I would actually think there is something wrong with me. I mean I liked me to some level but what if I could be better?
I didn’t want to be perfect because I knew that was not achievable but there was this image, this acting everyone sort of depended to see of me, and I did not like that because I felt I could not fit it anywhere, not school, not church, not in my family..
I felt even if I tried to make an effort, instead of seeing or encouraging my effort, I would get shut down, rejected or my failures were being pointed out. ლ（╹ε╹ლ）
I grew up that you had to be polite, proper, well educated, dress a certain way, not act that way, …
Listen: no parents are wrong for wanting the right things for their kids, but the issue here is with me:
My joy was being put in a lock and I could not learn how to unbreak it.
As I got older if I had a chance to even get a friend, they had to pass the standard of our house values or church values basically…
and honestly if I had to describe a picture of how I’ve been feeling, the only way I see it in my mind is I’ve been walking on eggshells for
soooooooo too long!
One person that loved me no matter what was my husband and I could ALWAYS be myself around him, and after 15 years of being together, I just want God to bless him because he freed me from feeling like I had to be someone else, to being myself and that is a good thing. Love you babes!
If you have someone or even a friend that can allow you to be you, hold on to them.
I am now 30 and I realize how much as happened to me and how it affected me
my willingness to be myself around people.
to speak out on important things.
And this year I cried out to God asking: where is my joy?
Don’t get me wrong, I am a kind person, but I take a lot of unnecessary crap from the world, more like a darkness that wants to attack me at every chance to rob my joy
that is in a lock,
that I cant seem to open,
GRRRRRR….and that’s because I let this weakness that I have, surpass who I really am, I let fear take over and I just shut off from everyone:
I would keep quiet because then they will leave me alone
I will do what they say so they are proud of me
I won’t express myself or say what I mean because my words don’t matter
and more quiet
Then I gathered all the pieces of the puzzle:
every time I had been criticized,
every time i got judged,
that I am told I am wrong
that I am not good enough
that I should go into this path instead of where I’m at….I made a whole list
and thought of all the people who made me feel small and I looked at all of it, looked around this loud chaos, and said:
My joy is not there, and it will never be, because my joy is with my creator
He made me, he knows who I am, that bubbly free spirited girl he created.
and those people they don’t have power to make me feel small, these are just emotions we let take over, we need to stand taller, God is bigger then them, he created them too, he is working on them at this moment, same way that he is working on me.
If I never hide to God who I am, then I should not let these things from the world make me want to hide, it does not make sense.
I broke my lock, I got my joy and I am working on making it stick like super glue, it’s taking all these years, but I am sure I can encourage someone that is missing their joy, just know it’s never lost. Say goodbye to that road of fear.
Go get that joy!